i think i have two assholes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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