Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
