I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
