My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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