I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Operation Purity has been aborted
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
