They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
don't judge my taste in strippers
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
