your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we have pet lesbian snakes
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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