like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
