it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
