I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
