We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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