I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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