This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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