well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
