dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
