we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
