i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is Oprah even human
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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