Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
