Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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