Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
