oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
