okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
