I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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