I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
