I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
