Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
