i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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