I faked an abortion last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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