Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
