So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
