I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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