Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
