I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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