You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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