you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
