I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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