My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
