Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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