Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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