I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
