my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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