Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He did a backflip because drugs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
