Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
