i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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