she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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