Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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