If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
