And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
