If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
