I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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